Staying in the Fire: Handling Conflict Without Shutting Down or Blowing Up
Let’s be real: conflict doesn’t just feel hard—it feels like your entire nervous system wants to flip the table, crawl under it, or over-explain your way out of the conversation. If you’ve ever felt like you were crushing it one second and spiraling the next, you’re not broken. You’re just a human trying to navigate a tough conversation without losing your grounding.
This is about learning to stay in the fire—that uncomfortable middle of a hard conversation—without shutting down, overcompensating, or going full fight mode. So if you’re someone who tends to freeze, fawn, get defensive, or just straight-up dip out emotionally... let’s talk.
Why Conflict Feels So Physically Awful (Because It Is)
When you're in the middle of a tense conversation, your brain doesn’t always know the difference between “someone is mad about a deadline” and “saber-toothed tiger attack.” Enter: fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Add to that a lack of experience staying in conflict and regulating your body in real-time, and yeah—your nervous system is probably going to hijack your mouth. That’s normal. It still needs to be addressed.
Signs You’re Peacing Out Mid-Conflict
Let’s call it like it is: most of us have a “tell.” Maybe you start over-talking, justifying every word, or throwing in weird mid-sentence apologies. Maybe you shut down—flat face, nodding, but mentally halfway home. Or maybe you flip to “command-and-control” mode and start sounding like a bureaucratic supervillain. These are all signs that you’re leaving the fire. You’re not grounded anymore—you’re reacting.
How to Stay Present Without Overcompensating
First thing: plant your damn feet. No, really. Shoes off if possible. Ground yourself physically. Then reflect back what you’re hearing instead of jumping to defend or explain. Name the emotion you see and slow it all the way down. Most of us are trying to race through conflict to “get it over with,” but that urgency is part of what derails the conversation. Go slower than you want. Be intentional. Breathe big. And if things start escalating, use a holding phrase like, “Let’s stay here for a second,” or “This feels important—can we pause?”
Regulation Tools You Can Actually Use
Before a convo? Don’t prep a speech—just figure out what actually matters. What’s your main point, and how will you know if it landed? That’s your anchor.
During? Keep checking in with your body. If you’re getting shaky, sweaty, or ragey, name it. That self-awareness models safety and helps others regulate too.
Afterward? Debrief with yourself. What worked? What didn’t? What would you try differently next time? The more you reflect, the better you get.
Three Things You Can Do Right Now
Know your default conflict response. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn—what’s your go-to? Own it.
Try one regulation tool this week. Maybe prep for a tough convo, or check in with your body during a team meeting. Small steps count.
Write down a go-to holding phrase. Put it on a post-it, tape it to your screen, and use it when things start to get spicy.
Here’s the thing: conflict isn’t bad. It’s necessary. And when you learn to handle it with presence, regulation, and courage, it becomes one of the most powerful leadership tools you have.
If you’re reading this thinking “Okay... but I still don’t think I can pull this off without fumbling,” that’s exactly what the Culture Focused Practice Membership is for. We take big concepts like this and turn them into real-life application—with live trainings, Q&As, and a whole library of resources designed specifically for group practice owners.
Join us at www.taravossenkemper.com under "Work with Me."
Leadership is hard enough. You don’t have to figure it out alone. Let’s build something better—together.
About the Author
Dr. Tara Vossenkemper is a gently-candid consultant who’s been in the trenches of group practice ownership since 2017. With a hearty blend of depth, irreverence, and a solid dash of humor (or so she hopes), Tara helps practice owners navigate the can-be-messy process of hiring, culture-building, vision generating, people-y issues, and all the other things that keep you up at night. When she’s not consulting, she’s probably wrangling her animals or homeschooling her kids—because why not add more chaos to the mix?
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